WORKING WITH MYSELF, BUT NOTHING CHANGES

LESSONS FROM EXPERIENCE

REFLECTIONS FROM EXPERIENCE

It sometimes happens that when you participate in meditations, do consciousness training, but don’t feel changes in life, it creates dissatisfaction. Maybe I still can’t change myself, the training is incomplete, and all this is just a good idea and something possible for certain people who don’t have as many problems?

And this is such a level of hope where I am trying to change something, but reality is as it is?

Such thoughts arise in people who seek to achieve their goals in life, to be more than this page blown by the wind down the street. The emergence of such feelings indicates confusion—what exactly is it that I wanted to change?

When a person works with themselves, over time, an unconscious feeling of internal crystallization forms, where the demand for real changes in real life and in specific details emerges. I walk, but I don’t really know where exactly, how it should look and feel every day, and this creates this effect. And it is natural that when doing something, there should be a result at some point.

Very often, you want things to just go better in life, to have better feelings, and for inner and outer obstacles to disappear. And at first, this really happens, but as time passes, at some point, this feeling of meaninglessness appears. Because you walk, but too little is happening. But our goals are often very global, in which you have to work on details, and do it persistently. The feeling of frustration arises when you sense these many nuances you have to face. This is inevitable because everything can be broken down into multipliers, components, from which the final results (existing problems) are formed.

To truly change something in life, you need to want it so much that the path you are walking creates a sense of home and security. If you’re lost in the forest and find the sought-after path out, then it no longer matters what mountains, rivers, mounds, or obstacles it leads through, and it doesn’t matter how long it is—it’s the way home, and that’s what’s important, everything else is just the surrounding circumstances. And if these obstacles are able to suppress the awareness that you’re already on the right path, it means the goal is unclear because it’s not important enough to inspire you to go through anything standing in its way.

A person is built in such a way that they will give and sacrifice everything to do what truly matters to them. If they really want to climb the most dangerous mountain, they will do it, knowing they may lose their life and leave their family behind. They can do anything that could result in death (drugs, dangerous entertainment, reckless self-reliance in unsafe situations at work, etc.), but the feelings experienced while doing it are worth the continuation of life. No matter how exaggerated or childish they may seem. And obstacles in the way are problems that need to be solved to move forward, not turn back.

The very fact that life doesn’t go as desired is an inseparable part of the journey.

Being broken and dissatisfied with life is part of this journey, but staying that way—it’s a choice.

This is also often the case when walking this path towards results, sincerely wanting to find fulfillment—we categorically refuse to become a person with character traits capable of creating, maintaining, and carrying this possibility. And one can meditate a lot, force themselves to read literature, do anything, and this will bring joy at first or periodic happiness in the long run—but the feeling will be that you are trying to run through the depths of a lake, through flowing sand. You really want it, there’s so much energy, and you try so hard, but there’s something essential, to which everything is subordinated, and that determines everything—The desire to live according to instructions.

When you really want to change yourself, but don’t want to change. It’s like putting on several layers of fur coats, hoping it will change your appearance. And when things don’t go as expected, you may want to blame the person who helped you walk this path (healer, friend), because all hopes were placed on external help, and you’re only the "receiver" who should be provided with ready conditions without worrying technically about anything.

In physical work, you can achieve and change a lot by just "pushing through"—it really works if you work diligently and quickly. But not in terms of fundamental consciousness.

Even if you remove specific emotions, there will be great joy, behind which anxiety will appear, and a specific, targeted, systematic set of actions, where the person will lead themselves back to these emotions.

Sometimes we are so practical that we allow someone else to change us, read books, meditate, thinking that this should change the current situation. It’s the desire to be in comfortable satisfaction, with someone else doing the hard work (healer, page words, meditation processes), and we just pay, allowing the words and feelings to do their job. There are results, but they hang in invisible air because deeper layers resist. And you’ve invested a lot of effort and time, but the joyful moments can’t take you any further. And this transformation wall cannot be crossed by any beautiful words. You have been allowed to reach this place, which is the limit of your consciousness, to walk along the wall, back and forth, in any realizations and reflections, but you cannot go beyond this dome you’ve created in your life.

From the Starry Universe, the Eternal Summer, the living spread of all possibilities, we are separated by this ego dome, under which we guide our days in the comfort of known certainty, in our own little world. These are the fears of Eternal times, centuries, which do not allow us to open its edge and see the Infinite.

Behind our created world lies this Heavenly and splendid world, where everything shines in Eternity, in Cosmic gardens.

Words and everything that makes us feel good can bring us to the boundary of our consciousness world. But to go beyond it, only soulful curiosity can take us, because those are the Soul’s homes, where human daily life does not reach. And you will not be led there by facts, piles of knowledge, but by Soul’s Interest.

When we work with ourselves, something always changes in us, but there is so much that we cannot consciously feel and that doesn’t seem important or worth our attention. We become so focused on the expressions we deem important, that the changes that have happened or are happening, so that the desired can even appear, are seen as "completely self-evident, natural, and insignificant," because we want the final result, not the journey towards it. For example, wanting to have better relationships with people, we still refuse to accept a different opinion or worldview. There’s more inner peace, but it just means nothing because conflicts continue. A moment of inner kindness has emerged, but its value is lost because it’s crushed by disagreements, which, in turn, cause even greater hatred, as good will is trampled.

It doesn’t matter to be a good person doing good deeds without changing your roots, because then it will destroy everything even deeper. We must become people who create and defend their Dream and Path, live by and around it, giving strength and eternity to this kindness through working on ourselves. Surrender rarely happens due to exhaustion, but mostly due to the fogging of goals.

Good qualities in life can be eternal and unshakable, based on building and walking one’s own path, so it is crucial to strengthen them through all aspects of life.

In life, love always wins, life experience shows that this is truly the case. (V. Žīgurs)